Consequences.   I made a decision tonight to allow my son to face a consequence.  Here’s the background: As I was entering the school this afternoon to pick up my boys, Cooper’s classroom assistant was heading out the door.  She paused to tell me that Cooper didn’t do his spelling schoolwork during class time and so she put it in his backpack, telling him that he had to do it at home.  His response to her was, “No, Mrs. B.  I don’t like homework.”

She told him, “You need to do it at home tonight, Cooper.”  Again, he whined at her and said, “No, thank you.”

I thanked her and went to find my boys.  When we got home I asked Cooper, “Do you have any homework tonight?”

He answered me by saying, “No Mom.  And don’t look in backpack.  No homework.”

I asked him, “Are you sure?  Do you have any homework to do?  Should I call Mrs. B and ask her?”

He answered, “No Mom.  Don’t call Mrs. B.  You just have to trust me.”

For a boy with autism to recognize that he was 1) Telling a lie; and then, 2) Use the phrase “trust me” to try and convince me of his lie – is a huge, may I repeat, HUGE step.  Trust involves our emotions and logistics.  When we trust we emotionally put our faith in the behavior of others.  We make a logical decision that we can believe what someone else tells us.  Cooper was asking me to believe him.  He wanted me to acknowledge that he was telling me something true – when he knew otherwise.  I was shocked.  Especially because I knew he was lying.  So what did I do?

I made the decision to let him see that I believed him when he said, “Trust me.”  I didn’t look in the backpack.  Tomorrow, he will have to face the consequence of not doing the homework that he knew he had to do.  Is this going to be a more powerful lesson than if I called him on it right on the spot and let him know immediately that I knew he was fibbing?  I hope so.  One of the challenges of autism is understanding how one’s behavior impacts others.  People with autism have issues with perspective and putting themselves in the position of another person.

Action – reaction – consequence.  These are lessons that many, MANY adults don’t ever fully grasp.  When someone puts their trust in us and we knowingly deceive them we do damage to relationships.  Learning about consequences begins when we are young.  My heart leapt today to see that my son is showing that he is grasping some complex relationship matters.  It encourages me to know that something we are doing is working!

Peace!

~kp

P.S. The strategies I use for working with Cooper follow principles taught through Relationship-Development Intervention (RDI)  http://www.rdiconnect.com if you want to learn more….  I recently learned of a new organization for autism intervention:  Reference & Regulate.  Check them out at:  http://www.randrforautism.com/