Something snuck up on me. I knew in the back of my mind it would arrive someday, and I am shocked to realize that today is indeed, someday. When Cooper began kindergarten, all of the kids were little and innocent. Sweet, shy, some a bit behind in their language capabilities; all still very much like babies as they marched on with their giant backpacks. The occasional teary outburst from Cooper at school didn’t phase the group, they all still cried a lot.
In grade one and then grade two, changes began to happen….but at age 6 & 7, the developmental differences between Cooper and the others were still not as drastic in appearance as perhaps they really were. The kids were still so “little.” Now, in Grade 3 I have been hit in the face with a realization… the developmental gap between Cooper and his classmates is widening. And will likely continue to seem and be wider and wider. This gap has crept up on us and now stands wider than I remember it seeming last year.
We have worked really hard to help Cooper develop emotionally and socially as well as learn the basics. I don’t want a little boy who just knows how to “repeat after me” – when we know that our brains are experience dependent. He can learn to engage in flexible thought; he can develop more mature relationships than what would have been expected from someone with ASD. My heart has always been to see him progressing forward – no matter how fast or slow – just forward. I’m good with that.
As he gets older, it is going to be more apparent that the gap is there, and I need to ask God to strengthen my heart for those moments when his peers are so visibly developmentally older than my darling little boy. Because those times do make my heart ache. Especially because he wants so much to be like the other kids. I can see in his facial expressions that he is starting to realize that he is not like them. He said to me today, “I don’t want to be a little boy.” I asked him why and he couldn’t tell me anything more. I wonder if he meant that he didn’t want to feel “little” inside.
We will continue to let him know we love him regardless. (There is no doubt about that!) And we’ll continue to move forward at the pace he can handle. One step and one day at a time. The gap is here and it seems bigger than before – but I can stand in it for him and help bridge it.
Peace!
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Beautiful, Kim!!!!! I love reading your blog. You are an amazing writer, and even more amazing mother!! xoxo
Wow-reading this hit home this morning. My son is in 2nd grade and I see the same challenge for him approaching slowly. The ‘gap’ is there, but not quite so visible yet, as he is steadily keeping up with his peers, much thanks to the help of his very knowledgeable twin classmates whose older brother also has ASD.
So, like you, I take one day at a time. I’ll be here for him when the gap widens.
I remember this. And now, I wonder if my Christopher will experience the same. But unlike my Asperger’s, his personality makes him into a leader- the other kids follow him and what he wants to do, so that might help.
However, for myself, the gap started being apparent in the first grade, as I quickly progressed in literacy and math beyond my peers, and used these skills to hide my poor academic performance in other areas. But I was blowing the curve; and for that, children who are your peers feel it is an unforgivable sin.
As I went further, yes, it was about the third grade that I fell behind in social development; I thought because of poverty in relation to the other kids (many of whom, gasp, got $2-$5/week for allowance, where I got $.25 and was on the reduced price lunch program). I now know it was a combination of my inability to understand their level of society in combination with going to a small school where almost everybody was related to everybody else; I wasn’t being excluded from parties because I was unpopular, but because they were family-only parties that just happened to include a quarter of my class as part of the family!
By high school, I was so far out there that I got into the Occult, magic, and technology in hopes somebody would ask me about things I knew about. I was living in a universe of my own creation, though I did not know it, and was smart enough that most other people didn’t realize it either.
By then the gap was really wide- between my values and the rest of the world- and growing wider every year.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. Now I know the ideals I live with are, at best, just a reflection of my heroes like Socrates and Plato; and that I need one foot in the real world, but it is hard to stay here.
Wow Ted ~ There are so many aspects to the social development, aren’t there? Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story. Gaps can exist for so many reasons. I look forward to checking out your blogspot. ~Kim
Hey Kimster.
I will be honest and say that this gave me a lump in my throat whilst reading this blog, and I dare say the same for anyone reading this who has kids of their own. I don’t mean for that to sound condescending to anyone who does not have children as they may have experienced something similar growing up with siblings or friends.
In the 6 months we have been in touch, there is one overwhelming sense of pride you demonstrate when it comes to all 3 of your children, and this seems unconditional.
There is a long, unknown road ahead, but I can think of no one better prepared to make the journey, with your husband and your faith right alongside you.
Although I am just a member of the ensemble, it is an honour to be back in touch and involved (albeit electronically from across the pond) in the Thrasher – Parker experience.
Thanks Kim.
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